Category Archives: Relationships

December 15, 2013 · 9:56 am

Three Questions You Should Ask Before Marriage

I had the privilege of witnessing a friend’s engagement atop the Sugarloaf Mountain. It was a cool and comfortable night. The spectacular city of Rio de Janeiro offered a breath-taking view.  The large statue of Christ was lit in its full glory. The night sky was in its full splendor as it wowed visitors with a wonderful lightning display in the sky.  For my friend, the timing couldn’t have been more perfect!

There was a healthy number of people with us on the mountain that night who witnessed his girlfriend’s excitement as she said ‘Yes’ to the man of her dreams.  After a longing look and loving embrace, the unbridled joy etched on the faces of the newly engaged couple was so undeniable evident that it could only be missed if perhaps aliens invaded the city!

We cheered, we laughed, and we sang.

When I returned to Baton Rouge, I was met with the grim reality of the experience of marriage for many. A casual friend I had not seen for a while walked up to me at the end of service with heavy tear-laden eyes. Hardly able to get the words out, he stuttered and whispered his way to telling me that he and his wife were getting a divorce after almost seven years of matrimony.

I could not help but think of the contrasting scene and news in the space of a few days. One, a happy beginning and the other, a sad end.

That roughly 50% of all marriages end in separation is a warning of how quickly dreams can turn into nightmares! Since no one starts with the intention of turning their dream into a nightmare, the divorce statistic is proof that something is amiss in marriages.  While the answer to the conundrum of failing marriages in not clear cut, there are some questions everyone about to enter into marriage should ask and answer honestly to see if they have a good shot at winning in the game of love.

Am I in love?

The word in love suggests that one can be out of love. And truly, many people say they have fallen out of love or are no longer in love with their partner.

The kind of love that one can fall in and out of is that which is based on feelings (emotions), sentiment, and fondness. In the Greek language, it is called phileo love. This kind of love is based on what your partner adds to you. While it may not necessarily be selfish, it has a tendency to be self-centered.

This kind of love is often dismissed in some circles because it can be fleeting, is many times based on circumstances, and is self-centered. But I will not do that here.  If you do not ask yourself if you are in love is to deny that you have needs and wants from a relationship. To avoid this question is to lie to yourself!

It is okay to ask if you have feelings for the person, if you are fond of the person you are with, and if you look at your partner with affection. Here is the crucial part: You must not stop at if but you must ask yourself why.

Why points to the heart of the matter. How you answer the why says a lot about your partner but says a lot more about you. It reveals whether you love yourself or are simply operating out of fear! No one is ever truly fond of a person who mistreats them unless they themselves have been disturbed by something in life or they have no way to escape. If you are fond of the person only for what they can do for you, then you have become selfish!

Fearfulness (lack of trust) and selfishness (unwillingness to compromise or yield) will always ruin a relationship.

When you ask yourself why, look at the content of your partner’s character! Look at who they are and what their life shows you. You can gather a lot of this information by listening to the person’s words, and looking at how they spend their time and their resources. This is because often repeated words, time, and resources always reflect priority and heart.

Having phileo love seldom guarantees the success of a marriage union. There is the need for agapeo love

Do I love My Partner?

The question, do I love my partner is different from am I in love with my partner. While one can fall in and out of phileo love, we either agapeo love or we do not. It is that simple! While phileo love is based on feelings, sentiment, and fondness, agapeo love is all about commitment and dedication and does not consider circumstances!

A rock solid agapeo love is needed to ride the waves of life and the roller-coaster of phileo love. Unfortunately, too many people spend their lives building and developing phileo love – through emotion charged compliments, flowers, gifts – and spend very little time developing agapeo love.  The reason commitment never seems to last these days is because the commitment is based on feelings, sentiment, and fondness (phileo love).

Agapeo love is based on who you are versus who the person is. It is about what you add to the person versus what the person adds to you. This kind of love which is unconditional is always willing to reconcile, forgive, and work at issues unto restoration.

It does not confuse weakness and wickedness in a person. Since it does not seek its own, it does not seek perfection. It recognizes the journey of love and is willing to suffer.

The question agapeo love asks is this: A person will disappoint and hurt me, so who I am willing to suffer for? Jesus (who had agapeo) love for humanity thought is worthwhile and worthy to suffer for humanity though we did not deserve it.

If you are not willing to go through hard times, willing to hurt, willing to suffer, willing to forgive, willing to lay down your life, then you do not love your partner. You only love what your partner can do for you (phileo)!

The question, do I love my partner can only be answered Yes if you truly have love for mankind in your heart.

How Do I See My Partner?

A different way of asking this question is who is my partner to me? Do you see your partner as friend, lover, leader (spiritual and otherwise), powerful, royal, helper, anchor, and asset? Or do you see them as timid, fearful, abdicator, scattered, and double-minded?

It is important to be honest with yourself as your answer will determine whether you can (1) respect your partner (2) whether you will follow your partner’s leadership (3) whether you will be comfortable in yielding.

Your answer will determine if your household with be peaceful, whether there will be secret resentment in your heart, if there will be insecurity in your relationship, and whether the union is more of a battle than it is a partnership.

In the bible, Peter saw Jesus as his Messiah – Lord and Savior – and so was able to stand in relationship and fellowship with him until the end. Judas on the other hand only saw Jesus as a potential king and so betrayed him and left him alone when Jesus would not do what Judas thought He should have done!

So, how do you see your partner?  

Conclusion

Jesus asked Peter the three questions above: Do you phileo love me (John 21:16)? Do you agapeo love me (John 21:17), who do you say I am (Mark 8:29). Being Jesus, he already knew the answers!  

Do you know the answer to these questions? If not, then you are wise to ask yourself about the one who is to become a rock in your life. Your answer may very well determine the future. Do you agree?

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November 9, 2013 · 5:02 pm

The Person God Allows You to Throw into the Sea

Your life is a ship! You are not the owner of your ship – for the owner decides the destination – you are the captain. As the captain, you decide which route to take on your way to your set destination. Though you may not have had a say concerning who boarded the ship, once on the ship, you have the authority to decide who stays on the ship and who to cast off at every port on the way to your destination.

As captains, there are some people that we need to cast of our ship! In fact, God clues us into whom we can cast of our ship in the story of Jonah. God gives us permission to cast off those that are willfully and deliberately walking in disobedience and out of the will of God. Before you click away in anger, consider this:  God allows us to throw people overboard for our own good as well as for the good of the person who is stubbornly and willfully walking in disobedience. Remember that in the story of Jonah, Jonah did not perish in the sea but was rescued by a whale. Likewise the traders did not perish due to Jonah’s disobedience. Instead, their lives and livelihood were preserved.

Here are 2 good reasons to get rid of willfully disobedient people in your life

You save yourself from unnecessary trouble

But Jonah arose to flee to Tarshish from the presence of the Lord. He went down to Joppa, and found a ship going to Tarshish; so he paid the fare, and went down into it, to go with them to Tarshish from the presence of the Lord. But the Lord sent out a great wind on the sea, and there was a mighty tempest on the sea, so that the ship was about to be broken up – Jonah 1:3-4

The tempest or trouble that the traders experienced was because of the presence of Jonah on the ship. Similarly, trouble and unnecessary heartache is the result of having willfully disobedient people in your life, the end of which is a broken up life.

Reevaluate the company you are keeping if your life is less of cruise and more like a roller-coaster

You keep the fruit of your hard work

Then the mariners were afraid; and every man cried out to his god, and threw the cargo that was in the ship into the sea, to lighten the load. But Jonah had gone down into the lowest parts of the ship, had lain down, and was fast asleep – Jonah 1:5

The traders on the ship had to throw off the cargo they had accumulated to survive. They had no clue that the cargo weighing them down was Jonah.

Let no one fool you, disobedience is costly. Disobedience will always drain your resources on its way to claiming your life. Many parents know too well the cost of living with willfully disobedient children. It is mentally and spiritually draining and puts undue stress on marriage. Although extremely difficult, be brave to throw the person at the mercy of Jesus rather than allow the person to cause you to perish. Why allow you and the person you are protecting to perish when both you and the person can be delivered?

It is also interesting that Jonah was sleeping during the storm. He knew he was the cause of the storm and so he did not want to call out to God. Instead of helping out or taking responsibility, all he did was go to a quiet corner out of the way and fall asleep! Thankfully, the captain had the good judgement to wake him up and challenge him to do something!

Do not be surprised if the person causing the ruckus in your life is at peace while you are stressing out. As captains of our lives, we must tell the willfully disobedient person in our life to shape up or ship out.

So there it is! It is okay to throw the willfully disobedient person off the ship of your life (after much prayer and deliberation) just like the traders did with Jonah. God loves the person you have thrown overboard and will provide a whale to save them. Stop trying to play God in the person’s life and save them…remember that you cannot not even save yourself. We all need the help of God.

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October 3, 2013 · 6:57 am

What Women Want from Men (Part IV)

The fourth thing women want from men is to be TREASURED as a pearl.

If you are wondering why a woman is a pearl, consider this: A fisher who desires a pearl must first dive the depths of the ocean in search for oysters. In other words, He must put in EFFORT and BRAVE an environment to which he is not accustomed.

When the diver sees the oyster, he is not taking aback by the shabby look of the oyster but he is filled with ANTICIPATION about the PRECIOUS gem that lies within it. In other words, the diver must not be dismayed by the hard protective shell he sees.  He must understand that the protective shell is there to keep the oyster safe from predators.

When he finally opens up the oyster, he discovers his prize. He discovers the object of his affection. Even then, he must polish the pearl to ensure that the fullness of its radiant beauty is revealed.

What does this have to do with a woman? Everything! Men, a woman wants a man to put in the effort to get to know her. She wants him to be brave and intentionally pursue her as a diver would a pearl. And when he finds her, she does not want him to stop at what he sees but she wants him to discover who she truly is (internally and externally).  In other words, she wants him to navigate her walls (shell) to unsheathe her beauty. Moreover, when he finds who she truly is, she does not want him to be disappointed that she may still need some polishing. She wants him to be PATIENT with her in this process.

A woman wants to know she is a pearl of great prize

Now, a woman does not simply want to be regarded as a pearl but desires to be a pearl of great prize.  In other words, every woman want to know that she is different from all the other women (pearls) in the world in the eyes of her man. She wants to know that there is something uniquely special about her that draws her to him.

Light-bulb moment:  A woman needs to know that she is highly prized by the man to whom she has decided to give herself. She needs to know that she has given herself to a person who will cherish her – not just at the beginning of the relationship BUT continually.

The way a man lets a woman know she is a pearl of great prize is by continually showing her AFFECTION. She wants to be surprised from time to time; she wants you to write those little notes of affirmation to her. Going out of your way to do those things you do not care too much about shows her that she made a good decision when she chose you.

A woman wants to treated as a pearl of great prize

If you go to a jewelry store, you will find that the jewel of great prize probably has its own special box with a spotlight shone on it. Depending on the store and location, there may even be guard ropes that restrict access to the jewel. Moreover, there may be a special viewing area for the most prized jewels.   

What this is saying to men is this: Do not ‘rough-handle’ your woman but treat her with a spirit of care and gentleness.

Light-bulb moment: Love waits! If you love her, you will wait for her AND you will not pressure her into making a decision she is not willing to make! You will treat her with a spirit of understanding.

Just like the jewels, shine a light on your woman! Do this by complimenting her often – in public and private – whenever your heart moves you. Do this by taking note and keeping track of those things that you admire about her daily. Be her strength and shield her away from danger!

Oh but how too few men treasure their women today! Men, if you cannot treasure you woman out of a sincere heart of love, then it may very well be that you do not regard her as a pearl of great prize. If this is where you are; if you do not consider her shiny enough to put on display, I want to encourage you NOT to go looking for another oyster! No, every single pearl needs polishing!

Polish her with the balm of love and affection using the glove of God. When you do this, you will find that her beauty comes forth. You will find yourself treating her as a pearl of great prize!

“Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant seeking beautiful pearls, who, when he had found one pearl of great price, went and sold all that he had and bought it” – Matthew 1345-46

Food for Thought: Just a we are pearls of great prizes to Jesus, so should a woman be to her man.

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September 30, 2013 · 9:50 pm

What Women Want from Men (Part III)

In the first two parts of this series, we have seen that it is important for a woman to feel secure in her relationship and to have true companionship.

The third thing women want from men is to know she is SIGNIFICANT

Put another way, a woman wants to know that she is valuable and important in the life of her man. She wants to know that she occupies first place in his life (apart from God). She wants to know that those things she considers important are also important to the man in her life.

Take for example anniversaries and birthdays. Should a man forget an anniversary, it communicates to her that he does not hold the occasion important AND in turn communicates to her that he does not hold her important.

Men, she needs to know that she is a significant part of your life. Simple things such as involving her in the decision making process (and truly listening to her) makes her know that she is valued. Letting her know what she brings to your life will go a long way in making her feel loved.  Complimenting her on her new hairstyle shows her that you care about her.

A woman wants to feel significant as a woman

While men and women are equal, we are not the same. God has made the woman different from the man so that she may complement man. This is why the wife is called a ‘helper’ in the bible. Women bring wonderful qualities such as undying and unyielding love, empathy, care, softness, and incredible resilience (just to name a few) to the table.

A woman needs to know that these qualities are significant and appreciated by the man in her life.

Light-bulb moment: Men, if you do not appreciate the natural qualities of a woman, then you are saying that God made a mistake in the way He made her!

Unfortunately, the world has lied to many men and women that many of the qualities women possess make them weak. This is why many women do not feel comfortable in their own skin because they feel that they need to be ‘manly’ and exhibit ‘manly qualities’ to be significant and to be taken seriously.

Light-bulb moment: While a woman is a weaker vessel physically, there is nothing weak about who she is and the qualities that she possesses.  

The key point is this: A woman wants to know that she is valuable because of who she is and NOT because of what she does. She does not want to have to prove her worth to her man by doing what he does.

A woman who does not feel significant will start to compete with the man in one form or the other. If she feels she cannot compete, she either become overly submissive or will become overly combative – always pointing out what is wrong in her man.

Light-bulb moment: If a woman is tearing you down all the time for no reason, it is likely because she feels valueless (her opinion does not count). It is likely because this is the only way she knows to even the playing field.

Men, please do not fall into the trap of trying to get a woman to become like you. After all, we need softness to complement our hardness. After all, every beast needs a beauty. When you show your woman that she is significant, you are validating her femininity and womanhood. This way, she knows that she is a pearl of great prize instead of a pearl that has been cast into a pit

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September 29, 2013 · 9:08 pm

What Women Want from Men (Part II)

The second thing women want is COMPANIONSHIP

Note: Read Part I of this series to discover the first thing women want

Women want conversational companionship

Many women feel lonely despite being in relationships. This loneliness is often expressed as one of the biggest complaints women have when it comes to the men in their lives. They say, ‘He will not speak to me’! Most of the time, this comes as a shocker to many men who feel they are speaking to their women all the time.

What these men do not understand is this: ‘He will not speak to me’ complaint from a woman goes beyond shallow conversation. Women want to have deep, intimate, heart-felt conversations with their partners!

They want to know their partners hopes and dreams and want to share their own hopes and dreams with their partners. They want a man who can bare his soul – a man who can show passion and vulnerability. In a sense, women want a man they can CONNECT with on a deep level.

To women, lack of vulnerability and lack of passion in conversation shows lack of connection and may even evoke feelings that the man does not trust her or care about her. So she feels neglected. She feels that she is going along with the ride but not truly connected to the ride.

Men, women do not want a ‘roommate’ or a ‘housemate’. Women truly want a connection of heart and soul – they want a soul mate. They truly want two to become one.

Men, if a woman lacks this connection, she may try to get involved in your day and your dealings. If she is doing this, it is not because she does not trust you to lead. It is because she simply wants to be involved in your world

Light-bulb moment: Conversational companionship goes a long in ensuring ‘two truly become one’.

Women want physical companionship

I can just see many men jumping for joy just at the mention of physical companionship. While sex is part of what this means ONLY IF married, physical companionship goes much beyond sex.

Physical companionship is all about physical intimacy. In turn, intimacy goes beyond action but touches the emotions and heart behind what is being done.

A little brush of the hand, a knowing smile, a longing stare into each others eyes, or a heart-felt hug all count as physical companionship. In reality, physical companionship is about the man being PRESENT IN THE MOMENT and being SENSITIVE to the emotional needs of a woman in a physical way. For example, physical companionship can even be cutting short a conversation that you sense that your wife does not feel comfortable having with another person. By doing this, she feels protected and loved by you through your action. 

In truth, it is easier to have this physical chemistry when conversational chemistry has been developed. This physical chemistry is the way people speak without speaking!   

Tip for Men

The best way to develop true companionship with your woman is to read the bible with her and to pray with her. The word of God, which naturally deals with the heart, will open up heart issues that both you and your partner can pray about (after allowing the word of God to have the final say on it). The key for this to work is to focus on your own lives. Do not make a mockery of this process by always talking about how the word of God applies to other people.

Light-bulb moment: Vertical companionship with God will always lead to horizontal companionship with your partner.   

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September 28, 2013 · 7:57 pm

What Women Want from Men (Part I)

Men are often clueless when it comes to what women want! The lack of skill in handling women has left many men frustrated in their relationships.  The movie What Women Want highlights this dilemma. In it, ladies man Mel Gibson had absolutely no idea what women really thought about him. He thought he had women figured out but he had no clue!

He had no idea how far off base he was when it came to women until an accident gave him the ability to hear women’s thoughts. But even after this, he did not know what to do what the thoughts he heard for they differed from woman to woman!

The last point brings me to this disclaimer: No one can say they have mastered what women want. To think this would be ignorance at best. Even so, the things that I am about to share is likely to help any man in his relationship. Of course, women will ultimately be the best judge of this.

So, what do women want? The first thing women want is SECURITY

Women want a secure man

Women feel secure with men who are secure in who they are and what they want in life. It brings a sense of stability and security. Indeed, how can a woman be secure that she can be led by a man if the man does not show that he can lead himself?

Nothing fills a woman more with insecurity than a secretly insecure man. It makes the woman feel as if the man is trying to hide something. This in itself makes women feel very uncomfortable.  The discomfort and insecurity that the lack of manly security evokes in women often shows up as the woman wanting to control the relationship. It may also show up as a power struggle in the relationship.

Men, if women are not showing you the respect you want, it is likely because there is something about you she is insecure about.

Light bulb moment: A secure man is one who finds his security in God. A secure man is one who can share his insecurity with his woman.

Women want to feel secure in the relationship   

Honesty is the key for a woman to feel secure in any relationship. The key advice for men is this: Be honest and truthful with her every time and all the time. Do not hide the truth even if you know she will be disappointed with you.

The lack of honesty and truthfulness in a man is a deal breaker for most women. She will think: If he is lying to me about this, I wonder how many other things he is lying about? Once this thought starts to enter into the mind of a woman, it is nigh impossible for her to get rid of them. Conversely, when a man is honest, the woman feels secure that she knows what she has – even if it is not the best thing.

Many women leave relationships not because of what was done but because their men were unable to tell the truth about it. In other words, while what was done may sink your relationship to the bottom, the bottom of truth and honesty can be the bedrock to rebuild the relationship.

Light-bulb moment: A woman who is secure in her relationship will feel free to focus on all that God has called her to be because she does not have to worry about her future. 

Women want to feel secure financially   

Financial security for a woman does not necessarily mean that she wants the man to be the bread winner of the house. It does mean that she wants to be secure in the knowledge that the man can take care of her if the need arises. This is especially true when she starts to bear children.

Many women secretly carry ‘momma guilt’ for leaving their kids and having to go to work. Moreover, many women resent needing to work. They want the option to work but need to know they have the option to stay home if they so choose.

Today, too many women choose to work despite not having to do so because they are insecure in their relationship. This comes across as ‘I do not want to depend on a man’. This saying normally comes from a woman who is fearful and insecure in her relationship or who has been deeply hurt.

But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever – 1 Timothy 5:8

Light-bulb moment: Nothing unleashes the full potential of a woman than a secure man who provides financial and relationship security.

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August 13, 2013 · 11:38 pm

The father, The rose, and His son

Once upon a time, there was a boy who saw a beautiful rose in a rose garden planted by his father. This rose so caught his eye that he went to his father and asked him to give it to him. When the father asked his son why he wanted the rose, the son replied, ‘I want this rose because it is beautiful. I want to plant it in the best soil and I want to nourish it so that it becomes a beautiful flowerbed.’

Seeing that the heart of his son was in the right place, the father asked one more question. He said, ‘Son, are you sure you are ready for the responsibility of a gardener? Are you sure you are ready to handle this beautiful rose?’

The son, whose eyes were now filled with tears wasted no time in saying yes! He then described to his father how special this rose was to him; how he could not keep his eye off this particular rose, and how his heart melted every time he thought about it. The father, seeing that the rose was truly his son’s heart desire was moved with compassion. So he said to his son, ‘I see that you truly love this rose. I want to give you this rose but I first have to make sure you are ready! You see son, I love this rose very much as well. I have spent a lot of time nourishing it. I will let you take care of this rose for a while. If you take good care of it in my garden, I will allow you to put it in your garden’

Upon hearing this, the boy went away extremely happy. After months of diligently taking care of the rose, the son approached his father once more for the rose and the father consented to him taking the rose. The night before he was to get his prize, he could hardly sleep! The next morning, he approached his rose and after a moment’s pause, bent down to uproot it from the ground.

But when he grabbed the stem of the rose to pull it out, he felt a sharp pain in his hand. So, he quickly let go of the rose and looked at his hand only to find blood all over his hands. Not understanding what happened, he took a closer look at the rose and found that its stem was covered with thorns!

Angry and disappointed, he left the rose halfway uprooted from the ground and stormed into the house. When he found his father, he said to him: ‘Father, look at what this rose of yours has done to me. Why did you not tell me that it is full of thorns? If I had known that this flower had thorns on it, I would not have asked you for it’

To this remark, the father (after tending to his son’s hand) sat him down and explained to him saying:

‘Son, there is no flower as beautiful and as desirable as the rose. But the rose is not perfect – just as no flower is perfect. Son, you must learn to handle the rose if you are ever going to enjoy a good relationship with it. Like many others that I have given a chance to get to know the rose, you only chose to see the beauty but you blinded your eyes to its thorns – and so you got hurt. Others who saw the thorns decided that they no longer wanted the rose – so they settled for less and missed out on the best thing I had planned for them. Son, you desired an idea of the rose but never the true rose. You must desire the entire rose – even with all its thorns. See, those thorns you do not like right now are the same weapons that the rose will use to defend itself against other false gardeners apart from you. See son, the rose is only good to those gardeners that handle it with the gloves of love and will only respond to those who treat it with love! This is how I have on purpose brought up the rose.

Moreover, the father said to his son:

‘Son, see how you have hurt my rose! You rejected it when you found that it had thorns. You have left it uprooted so that it is no longer fully secure in the ground. You have left my rose vulnerable and insecure. This is wrong of you! You took something that was secure where I planted it and now you have left it insecure because you did not adequately prepare yourself for it. My rose never asked for you but you asked for it. My rose did not fool you by hiding its thorns but you fooled yourself. Because of your hurry, you blinded yourself. Now son, I will go back and replant my rose for now . I will make her secure and lovely once more. My question to you now is this: Do you still want my rose; do you want me to teach you how to handle it?

The son who now realized his foolishness quickly apologized to his father and said:

‘Father, I am sorry that I have hurt your rose. I was so enamored by the rose that I forgot that you are the master gardener! How prideful of me to think I could take care of this rose without asking for your help! Now, I will delight myself in learning from you so that my heart’s desire (the rose) does not turn into a thorn in my flesh’.

Over the next few years, the son learned from his father how to take care of the rose and eventually got the rose in due season – when he was mature and seasoned enough to handle it. So in the end, the father was gracious to both the rose and his son.

Food for thought: God longs to grant us our heart’s desire, BUT we must not make our desire our delight. If we do, then our heart’s desire has become an idol that becomes our thorn in the flesh and keeps us from the father. When we fail to delight ourselves in the Lord, what was meant to be a blessing becomes a source of pain! If we want to do right by our rose, we must put God first. When we do, he will give us what we desire in due time (see Psalm 37:4).

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July 31, 2013 · 1:26 am

Just Be You – Rediscover the King in the Mirror

The phrase ‘just be you’ is usually spoken in the context of telling someone not to conform to every norm and not to live a life trying to please everybody. While this is sage advice, the advice only ends positively only if we know who we truly are. Now, we cannot answer the question of ‘who we are’ until we know what we are.

The scripture reveals to us that ‘what we are’ are spirit beings. We know this because God, who is spirit (John 4:24) decided to make us in His image (Genesis 1:26). Seeing that we are spirit beings, this means that this body is simply a garment that cloaks our true nature. And just as a garment shows wear and tear over time, the physical garment of our body also deteriorates over time.

Light-bulb moment: The man in the mirror is not the real you; the real you is hidden.

This hidden person inside of you is not like your body which changes over time. The spirit only has two states of existence – it is either dead or alive. Therefore, the first question you have to ask yourself is this: Am I dead or am I alive?

If you do not know the answer to this, then consider that it is the Holy Spirit that gives life (John 6:63). Hence, any person without the Holy Spirit is spiritually dead. Such a person cannot ‘live’ their identity for they are not even alive. How does the Holy Spirit give us life? He does this by taking up residence within our spirit when we accept Jesus as our Lord and savior. When He does this, He seals our spirit with His Spirit (2 Corinthians 1:22) so that our spirit and His Spirit become inseparable. Here is what it all means:

Light-bulb moment: Our living identity is given by the Holy Spirit and is found in the Holy Spirit

Since ‘what we are’ is spirit and ‘whose we are’ is the Holy Spirit’s, the only we way can ‘just be us’ is to live by the Spirit. The moment we stop living by the Spirit is the moment we become imposters! As imposter, we no longer as who we are but have started acting like someone else!

Remember the ‘You are not you when you are hungry’ snickers advertisement on television where the teen turned into a grumpy Liza Minnelli when hungry? It is just like that with us when we do not live by the Holy Spirit. Living without the influence of the Holy Spirit is akin to starving ourselves of life. It makes us grumpy and cranky; we begin to act like who we are not. In truth, we are no longer controlled by our true selves (who are identified with the Holy Spirit) but are controlled by our hungry flesh.

Light-bulb moment: The only way to ‘just be you’ is to live by Spirit. If you are not being you, then you are being whatever your flesh (your senses as impact by things and people) wants you to be.

So then the question is this: Are you being you or are you acting like who you are not? Today, choose to be you! It is so much more difficult trying to be someone else anyway. Furthermore, whomever you are trying to become is not as good as who you are! If you have been running away from yourself, I want to encourage you today to stop, look inwards, and rediscover who you truly are. I promise that you will love yourself!

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July 17, 2013 · 3:03 am

How Do I Guard My Heart (Part II) – Prayer and Thanksgiving

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God  and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus – Philippians 4:6-7 (NIV)

Instead of guarding our own hearts, Philippians 4:6-7 makes it clear that is it the job of the peace that comes from God to guard our hearts when we go to Him in prayer and with thanksgiving. Once we submit our request to God, we can rest assured that He is not hiding His face from us (Ezekiel 39:29) and that He who has the whole world in His hands loves us so much that He is working everything together for our good.

See, prayer and petition is the way we cast our cares upon God (1 Peter 5:7). It is what guards our heart and mind from worrying (anxiety) by unleashing the peace of God into our hearts. Therefore, when the bible says to ‘guard our heart for out of it flow the issues of life’, it is saying that we should guard our hearts from worrying (through prayer and thanksgiving), because worrying which comes from fear (or a lack of trust in God) causes the issues of our lives.  Indeed, it is a lack of trust in God that causes us to choose the world over the word (see How Do I Guard My Heart – The Word) and so unleashes turmoil in our world

Light-bulb moment: The way to stop worrying is to start praying wholeheartedly in trust and surrender.

In conjunction with Part I of this two -part series, we see that the way to guard our heart is to spend time in the word, through discernment, via prayer and supplication, and with thanksgiving. It is these spiritual disciplines when done in trust and surrender that allows us to walk obediently in the Spirit. They are what guard our hearts and minds from the filth of the world.

Without understanding this, the tendency is to guard our own hearts away from people out of fear. Since there is no fear in love and fear involves torment (see 1 John 4:18), it is no wonder so many people are tormented in their relationships. Let me explain:

Many times for a person – let’s say Kevin – who has been hurt before, guard your heart means ‘do not allow yourself to be hurt again’. If Kevin does not understand how to guard his heart with the word, prayer, supplication, thanksgiving, and through discernment, then ‘do not allow yourself to be hurt again’ for Kevin turns into ‘scrutinize my partners every move, try to control her life, and never allow yourself to fully trust her’.

Alas for Kevin, fear-based doubt and self-preservation leads the relationship instead of love-based faith. In response, Kevin’s partner feels suffocated, controlled, and imprisoned. As a result she fights back and the relationship goes through turmoil and fails.

Kevin, not realizing his fear was the culprit of the turmoil and failure feels that he successfully protected himself from hurt. He says to himself ‘Aha, I knew she was going to hurt me’. He does not realize that he has hurt himself. He has made his worst fear come to pass by taking fear-based actions which made it so – all because he did not know what is meant to guard his heart.

In the example, Kevin thought he was protecting himself from hurt, but all he was doing was keeping himself from love.

This also applies in our relationship with God. If we do not know how to guard our hearts, we guard our heart from love (God) and so are unable to unlock the power of God over our lives.

Food for Thought: When we guard our heart, we guard love (God) right out of it. When He guards our heart, He allows love to flow right into it.

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July 16, 2013 · 3:58 am

How Do I Guard My Heart (Part I) – The Word

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it – Proverbs 4:23 (NIV)

Proverbs 4:23 clearly says that the reason we should guard our hearts is because everything flows out of it. This scripture is further explained by Jesus when He tells us that ‘from within , out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders, thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lewdness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness’ – Mark 7:21

Hence, we see that we must guard our hearts so that filth does not to flow into it. Why is this? It is because whatever flows into our heart will ultimately flow out of our hearts. Once filth flows into our hearts, it becomes sin and leads to sinful actions.

Now, while it is clear that we should guard our hearts away from the filth of the world, what is at times unclear is how we actually go about this. Should we keep lock ourselves up so we do not get contaminated by filth or is there another way? Here is the answers: The way we go about guarding our heart away from the world is by keeping our minds filled with the word of God. Since the mind is the gateway to the heart, whatever we keep in our mind will ultimately make its way to our heart. If we keep out mind filled with the word, our hearts will reflect the word of God and so we develop a heart that is akin to that of God.

Moreover, our mind is either being influenced by the world or it is being influenced by the word. By filling our minds with the word of God, there is no room for the world in there; hence we have effectively guarded our hearts from the world and its influences.  Put another way, by filling our heart with the word of life, we find that only life flows out of our hearts.

Light-bulb moment: An effective way to guard your heart is to fill your mind with the word of God

The alternative to guarding our heart with the word is trying to avoid the world. Doing life this way requires that we cease to be salt and light to a fallen world because everything in the world would cause us to backslide since there is no ‘word’ barrier. It is not the will of Jesus that we seclude ourselves away from the world. Jesus did not do seclude Himself but spent time with tax collectors and other marginalized people so that He could be salt and light to them. Furthermore, He said He does not want us to be taken out of the world but to be protected from evil (John 17:15). Why? It is because He wants us to influence the world by shining our light in the darkness – instead of hiding our light under a basket and away from the darkness.

Light-bulb moment: We should never turn the guarding of our hearts into something we force to happen instead of something that happens naturally as we spend time with God.

So how does God protect us from evil that works through people? He does this through the Holy Spirit via the spiritual gift of discernment. Thus, it is the Holy Spirit that protects us from evil. This is why Jesus prays to God that He protect us from evil. He does not pray that we protect ourselves from evil through our own prejudiced and experienced based thinking. Hence, just as Jesus kept away from certain men because he discerned their hearts (John 2:24), we must keep away from evil company through spiritual discernment – not experiential or cultural discernment.

To conclude, guarding our heart with the word allows us to insulate ourselves away from the effects of the turmoil of the world and the actions of people, without alienating ourselves from people out of fear. Since guarding our heart Jesus style allows us to be salt and light to the world, we see the guarding our hearts has everything to do with love and has nothing to do with fear.

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